The reading was from Revelations and the sermon was on Judgement and the Vicar was in prime form and relishing the drama and the loud dramatic message to his flock. He paced the pulpit with energy to add further drama to the text. Seven minutes in and in full flow he leaned over the pulpit toward his congregation. His knuckles white he gripped the edge of the pulpit as he towered over his people in dramatic fashion. A childs voice is heard, piercing in the charged air; "Daddy, Daddy!". "Quiet Tom" "Daddy, Daddy" strident and embarrassing in its intensity "What are we going to do if he gets out?"
The Lottery
Joe was a devout believer and he took it very hard when his business started to have financial troubles. He decided to pray about it and ask God's help. "Dear Father I really am up against it and I can only see one way out; that is to win the lottery. You are a God of Love, please help." Over the next week things got even worse and come lottery day Joe did not win. Back Joe went to pray again. Dear Lord I didn't win and things have got worse. My daughter needs an operation now and we are desperate. Please let me win the lottery." No win and back Joe goes for a third time. This time before Joe can get into full flow a loud insistent voice stops him by calling his name and he knows God is talking to him...... "Joe" , the voice says, "Joe; do us both a favour. Buy a ticket."
The Choice. Heaven or Hell?
When Joe died he did not really feel he had been good enough to hope for Heaven, so he was rather surprised to hear Saint Peter say: "Well Joe I have reviewed your life file and like a lot of people you fall somewhere inbetween good and bad. In fact you end up with a choice. I'll get someone to show you around and while you are doing that I'll get in touch with Nick and arrange for you to be shown around Hell. Then you can chose." Joe was surprised but thought he had nothing to lose so off he went for his tour. Heaven was fine of course. Quiet and restfull with beautiful diffused light everywhere; plants with a strange but lovely inner light; beautiful people everywhere. "Wonderful" thought Joe. "I could go for this but I have to do the Hell tour first." So off Joe goes for the Hell tour to be met by old Nick himself who turns out to be a very pleasant old guy looking a bit like Colonel Saunders. Hell is a very pleasant surprise. Not like the Press version at all. An upmarket dream Earth location really with all those "naughties" that everyone tells you are bad for you. Lovely balmy climate with skimpily clad lovelies serving up iced drinks (all free of course); lovely apartments to stay in; wonderful food. Joe is very impressed. So impressed that to his own surprise he finds himself telling Saint Peter that having carefully considered he chooses Hell. So Joe tidies up his affairs in Netherland and duly reports to Hellgate 1 as instructed. Imagine Joe's surprise when he is shown past the entrance and reception into the most agonising heat where he is fitted out with a shovel and directed to a huge pile of coal. All around him he hears the sounds of souls in torment. "Wait" he cries "This isn't what I was shown on the tour." "Tour?" says his guide. "Oh you must have come on our Promotion day!"
The Jewish Samurai
The Emperor of Japan has a vacancy for head Samurai and Chief of his bodyguard. The position traditionally goes to the best swordsman in the land and on this occasion there are three contenders; the Japanese Samurai, the Chinese Samurai and the Jewish Samurai. The whole court attends to see this high class display and first out is the Japanese Samurai. After bowing to the emperor he takes up his fighting stance. "Now" he says and his attendant releases a fly. So quickly does the samurai use his sword that it is sheathed again before most people have even seen the action but fluttering to the floor are two halves of the fly, duly presented on a silken cushion to the Emperor. He is greatly impressed. The Chinese samurai is next on and when he says "now" two flies are released. To everyones astonishment he is even quicker and four halves of fly flutter to the ground to be duly presented on a silk cushion to the emperor. When the Jewish samurai takes his stance three flies are released and there is a great gasp of expectation from the court. Amazingly this samurai is even faster than the previous two but there is a gasp of disappointment as the three flies continue to fly. "Oh dear" said the Emperor "you didn't kill the flies". "Killing flies is for the amateur" replied the samurai, "Circumcision now; that takes a professional".
The Train Journey
Travelling on a train on a quite cold and blistery day the traveller is surprised when the man opposite stands up, goes to the window and opens it wide. Politeness lasts a minute or two of icy blast until the traveller stands up and angrily closes the window, looking pointedly at the man opposite. The man responds a few minutes later by opening the window again. After shutting, opening, shutting, opening again the traveller is worked up enough to speak. "Just what is your game?"......"Draughts" the man replies. (English joke. "draughts" is a board game as well as an icy blast. Doesn't work too well with "checkers")......
Anyway the same train but this time the man throws some powder out of the window then closes it again. After 5 or 6 incidents the traveller can stand it no longer (still worked up by the draughts no doubt) and says "What are you doing?"...."Throwing out a special elephant powder. It keeps the elephants away."...."But we don't have elephants in this country."...."I know. Good powder isn't it."
The Last Cake
Joe is dying (again!) from old age. Lying on his death bed he feels himself drift into that final peaceful sleep. In these final dreams he imagines he smells his favourite cakes, freshly out of the oven. The smell is enticing, haunting and he realises that it is real and he has not yet died. He struggles to sit up and yes the smell is real. He feels empowered and rallies to struggle out of bed and on hands and knees he crawls to the door and opens it. The smell is stronger now. Somehow he makes it down the stairs and on to the kitchen, drawn on by that smell. Sure enough he can see through the open door that the kitchen table is piled high with his favourite cakes, freshly out of the oven and left to cool. With a little gasp of anticipated pleasure he crawls painfully on......he reaches up to the table......hands outstretched......sharp smack on the wrist and he looks up to see his wife's angry face......"Don't you dare eat those. They are for the funeral tomorrow"
Light Bulbs
How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb? One, since his/her hands are in the air anyway.
How many Calvinists does it take to change a lightbulb? None. God has predestined when the lights will be on.
How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb? 10, as they need to hold a debate into whether or not the lightbulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the lightbulb they may not go ahead and change it for fear of alienating those who use fluorescent tubes.
How many Anglo-Catholics does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They always use candles instead.
How many evangelicals does it take to change a light bulb? Evangelicals do not change light bulbs. They simply read out the instructions and hope the light bulb will decide to change itself.
How many Atheists does it take to change a lightbulb? One. But they are still in darkness.
How many Brethren does it take to change a light bulb? Change!?
How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb? 10, one to change it and 9 others to pray against the spirit of darkness.
How many TV evangelists does it take to change a lightbulb? One. But for the message of hope to continue to go forth, send in your donation today.
How many campfire worship leaders does it take to change a lightbulb? One. But soon all those around can warm up to its glowing.
How many independent baptists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, anymore than that would be considered ecumenical.
How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb? 10. One to actually change the bulb and 9 to say how much they like the old one.
How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb? 25. One to screw in the new lamp. Two dozen to bind the powers of darkness.
How many Presbyterians does it take to change a light bulb? Well, it should require about five committees to review the idea first. If each is staffed with half a dozen members, that's what ... 30?
How many members of the church of Christ does it take to change a light bulb? 5. One to change the bulb, 4 to serve refreshments.
How many charismatics does it take to change a lightbulb? Three, one to cast it out and two to catch it when it falls!
How many charismatics does it take to change a lightbulb? Twenty one, one to change it, and twenty to share the experience!
How many conservative Anglicans does it take to change a lightbulb? Three. One to change it and two to storm out in protest if the person changing it is a woman!
How many Calvinists does it take to change a lightbulb? None. If God wants the lightbulb changed He will do it Himself!
How many missionaries does it take to change a light bulb? 10. Five to determine how many can be changed by the year 2000, four to raise the necessary funds, one to go find a national to do the job!
How many worship leaders does it take to change a light bulb? 1 - he just holds it in the socket and the rest of the world revolves around him.
How many University chaplains does it take to change a lightbulb? None - they wouldn't change it in case it offended any other sincere lightbulbs.